Chemical G

by Rohan Parekh

Part 1

Jonathan spits out his food the moment it touches his tongue.

“Why is your cooking getting worse every year?” Jonathan turns to the cook.

“Don’t blame him.” Scarlett gives the cook a reassuring smile. “It’s the quality of meat that’s slipping.”

“S-She’s right.” The cook stumbles. “It’s the humans that have grown careless! They eat anything nowadays.”

“Always the same excuse.” Jonathan glowers at his underling. “I don’t care how much plastic the humans stuff themselves with.”

“There is only one solution.” Scarlett says. “We must start a farm and raise our own humans.”

“Here you go with this farm idea again! Do you know how much it’ll cost?” Jonathan asks.

“You may leave us.” Scarlett addresses the cook.

The cook, looking mightily relieved, practically sprints out of the dining area.

“My dear husband.” Scarlett sighs. “Do you think you are the only vampire in the world who is displeased with the quality of meat? There is a demand for better food. And we must supply it, or watch as others take advantage of this golden opportunity.”

“I think running for office is a better idea.” Jonathan grins. “Imagine if more of our kind were elected. We’d be able to shape global policy, and prioritize the environment over rampant capitalism.”

“Or imagine the consequences of being exposed for what we are. We operate best in the shadows.”

“Well, I’m tired of hiding.” Jonathan pauses. “We should be in charge. We are on top of the food-chain. If we usher in an eco-revolution, then we won’t need a goddam farm in the shadows.”

Scarlett sighs. Instead of keeping it simple, her husband likes to go big. She recognizes that his ambition has taken him far in life. The same could be said about her. They’re both lawyers. But she knows which battles are winnable.

Part 2

As Scarlett tucks her vampire spawn into bed that night, he asks her about climate change.

“Why don’t humans taste good anymore?” Five-year-old Brad asks.

Scarlett sighs. As simply as she can, she explains how the burning of fossil fuels releases toxins into the air. Those toxins are then absorbed by the bloodstream of all living things.

“Can’t we just remove the toxins from their blood, so they taste better?” Brad asks.

Scarlett smiles. “If only it were that easy.”

After Brad falls asleep, she leaves his room.

Hmm, not a bad idea, to simply purify the humans’ blood, so they taste as good as they used to, maybe even better than they used to. Maybe purifying blood would be cheaper than running a farm, although both options would certainly be cheaper than financing her husband’s political campaign.

It seems like a longshot, but she’ll ask her cousin about it. Her cousin is a chemistry professor at a university down south.

If such a purification process is even possible, the humans must never get their hands on it. They’ll use it an excuse to further pollute the world.

Part 3

The experiment was a success. Scarlett’s cousin delivered above and beyond. Although there was an interesting side effect.

As promised, her cousin comes up with a chemical formula that cleans up the polluted insides of a human. But thorough testing was required, so they captured live humans.

Chemical G was then administered to each human prisoner.

“They grew a third arm?” Jonathan asks as they dine in the living room.

“Or legs.” Scarlett replies. “But the extra limbs were almost always smaller than the original limbs. And they taste a bit different too.”

“True, though you’ll never hear me complaining about extra meat! But this must’ve cost a fortune.”

“A sizeable investment was required, but I think it paid off. We won’t need a farm now, we can just sell Chemical G, though the secret formula will stay in the family.”

“Well, I have to admit this is delicious.” Jonathan finishes the last bit of pure human meat off his plate. “Just like the old days.”

“It’s yum!” Brad says, eating messily as usual. His mother grabs a tissue and wipes some blood off his face.

After they finish their meal, they watch some TV and go to bed.

Later that night Jonathan and Scarlett are woken up by Brad’s loud moaning. They rush into his bedroom.

“Brad, what’s wrong?” Jonathan asks.

Brad’s face and skin have nasty red bumps all over it, he’s writhing in pain.

Pretty soon Brad stops moving. He isn’t making any sounds either.

“We need to take him to a doctor.” Scarlett says.

Scarlett and Jonathan carry their boy to the car, and race to the nearest underground vampire hospital.

“It’s Chemical G.” Jonathan says.

“Maybe, but the testing was thorough. Vampires across all age groups sampled the purified human meat, and there were no side effects whatsoever.”

“Small comfort.” Jonathan says quietly.

When they reach the nearest underground vampire hospital, doctors take Brad to ER.

Eventually Brad is pronounced dead.


Epilogue – One Year Later

The demand for Chemical G is outstripping supply, even though there is a one in a million chance of a fatal reaction. Brad was one of the unlucky ones.

Scarlett and Jonathan are no longer together. Jonathan blames her for Brad’s death.

Scarlett and her cousin have a roaring business selling Chemical G and she no longer works for a blood sucking law firm.

These days she prefers to strictly suck the blood of purified humans.