Tag Archives: Funny

Cockfights, Twin STDS, And More!

0

I’m about half way through One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Sometimes it gets confusing remembering the characters’ names, because most of them are almost the same, since the family keeps recycling the same names from one generation to the next. One reviewer on Goodreads said that it annoyed them so much that they ripped out the one of the first pages that contained the family tree and used it as a bookmark.

The chapter I just finished was about the identical twins Jose Arcadio Segundo (JAS) and Aureliano Segundo (AS). Nobody could tell them apart, not even their family members. They were troublemakers at school, constantly confusing teachers by pretending to be each other. As children their habits were the same, they had the same dreams, woke up at the same time and even had bathroom urges at the same time. They used to pretend to be one and other so often that they likely confused themselves, forgot who’s who, and permanently switched identities.

Over time they began to show differences – AS grew to a towering height and JAS was smaller and bonier. JAS once witnessed an execution via firing squad and was so revolted by the act of violence that he ended up becoming a priest… and a professional gambler that placed bets on cockfights.

JAS then started seeing a woman that AS also liked. So when JAS was not with that woman, AS would pretend to be JAS and see that woman behind JAS’s back. And then the woman broke up with JAS because she got an STD – whether the STD was from AS or JAS is unknown and all three of them had to take elaborate steps to get cured. AS told the woman the truth about how he pretended to be his brother so that he could sleep with her, and somehow she forgave him (Her name was Petra Cotes or PC for short) and they continued to see each other for a long time, even after AS got married and had children with a different woman.

Lady Luck also had a major hard on for AS, for AS was considered to be extremely lucky in regards to his livestock. Quote from the book: “His mares would bear triplets, his hens laid twice a day, and his hogs fattened with such speed that no one could explain such disorderly fecundity except through the use of black magic.” Some believed that his luck was due to his relationship with PC. The more he fucked her, the more animals he wound up with.

Meanwhile JAS the cockfighting priest made it his life mission to find a treasure that was reportedly hidden somewhere at the bottom of a sea. He even borrowed money from his brother to fund the expedition and even though it was a complete failure, he did manage to bring back French courtesans that were highly skilled in the art of love. His foreign companions decided to stick around and provided tough competition to the local prostitutes.

So yeah, that’s just a fraction of the novel that I’m currently reading. Inspiring isn’t it?

Advertisements

Childhood vs Adulthood

0

Ever wonder what it would be like to grow up in the 1960s? I was watching Jerry Before Seinfeld on Netflix and the comedian and actor Jerry Seinfeld talked about what his childhood was like during this time. Apparently society was a lot more chilled out. Parents didn’t care about things like grades, hell they didn’t even know where the school was located, and they were totally cool if their kids had a 100% sugar diet (lucky charms/frosted flakes for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, and cake for dinner). Half the time a parent would have no idea where their kids were whereas today’s parent pays so much attention to their kid its as if the kid is under a microscope.

I’m sure Jerry Seinfeld was exaggerating a little… I think!

But compare it to how kids are raised today. And ask yourself what you’d prefer – parents that micromanage or parents that let you breathe a little?

I also really liked what Jerry said about adulthood:

“Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”

Context: When Jerry was a kid, his mother wouldn’t leave him alone at home when she had to go out because he was too young. So she’d take him wherever she was going, like the bank or the wallpaper store. Unsurprisingly, the boredom was too much for Jerry the kid to handle and he would just feel an overwhelming urge to lie down flat when his mom took him to places like these. Makes sense, lying down (and just going to sleep) helps you relax and forget about the boring place you’re currently in.

That quote speaks to me because being an adult can sometimes be a chore. I totally wish I could randomly lie down anytime anywhere (when  I get frustrated or bored).

Get ready for Geomythology 101!

2

Geomythology is the real geological event behind a myth or legend. Of course some myths and legends are entirely fictional but others are based on real historical/geological events. Let’s begin with Teonimanu, a former island of the Solomon Islands that somehow disappeared. Here’s the fun version, or the myth, behind Teonimanu’s disappearance: A cuckolded husband’s wife went to live on Teonimanu with her new lover. The cuckolded husband, humiliated and thirsty for revenge, purchased a wave curse. Yes, a wave curse.

He travelled to Teonimanu on his canoe. Four waves were attached to the front of his canoe and four more on the rear. Once the cuckolded husband reached the island, he planted two taro plants, and then fled to another island. On the day the leaves sprouted, the onslaught began. The cuckolded husband watched in satisfaction as eight powerful waves demolished the island of Teonimanu.

So that’s what I read online but it still leaves a few questions. Were those eight waves that destroyed Teonimanu the same as the ones that were attached to the canoe? Where was the canoe while the Taro plants were growing, on the island of Teonimanu or on the island the cuckolded husband had fled to?

Here’s what I think happened: the canoe was docked near the island the cuckolded husband had fled to. The eight waves were still attached to that canoe. When the Taro plants grew, the waves were “activated”, and they began to surge to towards the island of Teonimanu, gaining momentum and growing bigger like a snowball going down a mountain. And then the waves hit Teonimanu with unrelenting force, destroying the island completely.

So yeah, that’s one version of what happened. What actually happened: a sea-floor earthquake caused Teonimanu to sink. The island was teetering on the edge of a steep undersea slope, so once the tremors shook the foundations, a large landslide carried Teonimanu underwater. Feels like a let-down after hearing the myth right? You can learn more about geomythology here.

Private Island

0

Imagine you’re part of a tribe that’s isolated from the rest of the world. You’re oblivious to what’s happening outside your island. You’ll have no idea if the US and North Korea blow each other up, if a new celebrity sex tape comes out, or if the Toronto Maple Leafs ever end their Stanley Cup drought. You won’t know if any of these things happen because you’re doing your own thing on your little island. Now what if I told you that such a tribe exists? Don’t get too excited though, they aren’t looking for new members.

The indigenous Sentinelese tribe, located on North Sentinel Island in the Indian Ocean, are extremely hostile to any and all visitors. They’ve lived there in complete isolation for 60,000 years and one reason they’ve never been colonized is that they’re protected by rough seas and jagged reefs. They don’t know how to read and write but they have their own spoken language that nobody else understands.

Whenever outsiders try to get close to the island via boat or helicopter, the Sentinelese greet them with violence – either firing arrows or throwing stones at them. In 2006, two fishermen unintentionally drifted towards North Sentinel Island and the locals proceeded to kill them. When a helicopter was dispatched to recover the bodies, the locals chased the helicopter away with arrows. (What happened was that the fishermen got drunk and passed out and didn’t realize their boat had drifted into a highly dangerous territory).

In the 1970s, anthropologists tried to gift some coconuts to the tribe but they were almost killed. Many tribe members also waggled their genitals at the fleeing anthropologists. While the Sentinelese excel at genital-waggling, they’ve yet to discover the secret to making fire. Currently they wait for lightning to strike and keep the resulting embers burning for as long as possible. They are a simple hunter-gatherer society.

The Indian Government’s official policy is to leave them alone. But after the deadly earthquake and tsunami in the Indian Ocean in 2004, India was concerned about the welfare of the Sentinelese so the government sent a helicopter to make sure everything was okay. But the islanders attacked the helicopter the moment they spotted it.

In a way it’s good that the people of North Sentinel Island are left alone. First of all they don’t have to deal with all the chaos of the modern world and if we tried to introduce them to it, they would likely fall sick because they haven’t built up the immunity to certain diseases, since they’ve been isolated for their entire existence.

That awkward moment when a spider bites your penis again

0

Some Australian tradesman was bitten by a venomous spider on the penis TWICE in a span of six months in 2016. Not sure if it was the same spider, but he was bitten on the exact same spot on his penis both times. Both bites occurred in portable toilets. The second time he carefully inspected the entire toilet, including under the rim, but this sneaky little spider was determined to wreak penile havoc. The first time it happened everyone was sympathetic. But the second time? Even the doctors were laughing. This story really reminds me of the phrase ‘Once bitten, twice shy’. Luckily he is still alive and well (for now).

It’s hard to think of someone unluckier than him, but I think I managed to do so. Adolphe Sax, the inventor of the saxophone, suffered a series of bizarre accidents in his childhood. He fell from a height of three floors and hit his head on a stone. He accidentally swallowed a pin. He burnt himself in a gunpowder explosion. Somehow he fell into a frying pan and burnt himself again. He fell in a river and almost drowned. When he was an adult, he had lip cancer for five years but recovered. Even his mother once said, “He’s a child condemned to misfortune. He won’t live.” Despite all this he still managed to invent the Saxophone. But sadly no one took his invention seriously until after his death.