Tag Archives: Humor

Twist of Fate

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The determined woman huffs and puffs as she climbs the stairs. She’s been doing this for 15 minutes and it’ll be at least another 20 before she gets to the top. She hasn’t worked this hard since she was with her ex-husband. That lazy oaf never liked to move in bed, she always had to be on top – though he could never see her since his stomach was so big. She’s going higher and higher because there’s a fortune teller who lives up there. He is known as Bodo, and her friends are crazy about him. They say he is very good.

She knows it’s silly but she hopes Bodo will reassure her that her favorite character will not die in the next episode of a TV show she watches every afternoon. But she has graver matters to discuss with the famed seer. Her eldest child – a stupid boy trapped in a man’s body – has borrowed money from the wrong entity. (He takes after his father, her ex-husband). Her son thinks he’s borrowed from a friend, but in reality he’s taken a loan from the Devil himself. She’s afraid that if her son cannot pay back his debts, her jewelry will be taken away from her.

But she can’t help but think that she should’ve waited a little longer before seeing Bodo. Bodo has not kept well since his encounter with a mermaid. Perhaps he still needs more time to recover?

The mermaid fell in love with the captain of a passing ship, the captain promised to return for her one day, but she’d been waiting for years. When Bodo informed her that the captain had fallen in love with someone else, the mermaid snapped and attacked Bodo. But she came to her senses before killing him. After all, there is no sense in shooting the messenger.

The determined woman reaches the summit. She approaches the rustic looking tent and waits.

“Enter.”

Bodo’s voice is calm, deep, and soothing to the ears. She gently steps inside Bodo’s humble abode. He looks perfectly healthy.

“I have heard so much about you.” She begins quickly. “And I have so many things to-”

“I am sorry my child, but my powers are not what they once were.” Bodo sighs. “I fear it will take some time for me to return to full strength. My body may have recovered from the mermaid’s assault, but my mind is not yet at peace. Violence has shaken my soul.”

Apologies spill out of her mouth, if she had known she never would’ve come.

But Bodo holds up his hand and shuts his eyes, “You have taken great lengths to see me… so I shall see what I can see for you…” Bodo concentrates. “Your son… no… it can’t be…”

“What? What is it?” The woman asks anxiously.

“Your son… is in love with the captain who broke the mermaid’s heart. He and the captain have eloped.”

As the woman is making her way down, she can’t help but wish she never had children. That ungrateful son of hers. First he gets himself into debt. Then he dumps the responsibility of repaying the debt on her head. May her son and this captain sink to the bottom of the sea!

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Childhood vs Adulthood

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Ever wonder what it would be like to grow up in the 1960s? I was watching Jerry Before Seinfeld on Netflix and the comedian and actor Jerry Seinfeld talked about what his childhood was like during this time. Apparently society was a lot more chilled out. Parents didn’t care about things like grades, hell they didn’t even know where the school was located, and they were totally cool if their kids had a 100% sugar diet (lucky charms/frosted flakes for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, and cake for dinner). Half the time a parent would have no idea where their kids were whereas today’s parent pays so much attention to their kid its as if the kid is under a microscope.

I’m sure Jerry Seinfeld was exaggerating a little… I think!

But compare it to how kids are raised today. And ask yourself what you’d prefer – parents that micromanage or parents that let you breathe a little?

I also really liked what Jerry said about adulthood:

“Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.”

Context: When Jerry was a kid, his mother wouldn’t leave him alone at home when she had to go out because he was too young. So she’d take him wherever she was going, like the bank or the wallpaper store. Unsurprisingly, the boredom was too much for Jerry the kid to handle and he would just feel an overwhelming urge to lie down flat when his mom took him to places like these. Makes sense, lying down (and just going to sleep) helps you relax and forget about the boring place you’re currently in.

That quote speaks to me because being an adult can sometimes be a chore. I totally wish I could randomly lie down anytime anywhere (when  I get frustrated or bored).

Get ready for Geomythology 101!

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Geomythology is the real geological event behind a myth or legend. Of course some myths and legends are entirely fictional but others are based on real historical/geological events. Let’s begin with Teonimanu, a former island of the Solomon Islands that somehow disappeared. Here’s the fun version, or the myth, behind Teonimanu’s disappearance: A cuckolded husband’s wife went to live on Teonimanu with her new lover. The cuckolded husband, humiliated and thirsty for revenge, purchased a wave curse. Yes, a wave curse.

He travelled to Teonimanu on his canoe. Four waves were attached to the front of his canoe and four more on the rear. Once the cuckolded husband reached the island, he planted two taro plants, and then fled to another island. On the day the leaves sprouted, the onslaught began. The cuckolded husband watched in satisfaction as eight powerful waves demolished the island of Teonimanu.

So that’s what I read online but it still leaves a few questions. Were those eight waves that destroyed Teonimanu the same as the ones that were attached to the canoe? Where was the canoe while the Taro plants were growing, on the island of Teonimanu or on the island the cuckolded husband had fled to?

Here’s what I think happened: the canoe was docked near the island the cuckolded husband had fled to. The eight waves were still attached to that canoe. When the Taro plants grew, the waves were “activated”, and they began to surge to towards the island of Teonimanu, gaining momentum and growing bigger like a snowball going down a mountain. And then the waves hit Teonimanu with unrelenting force, destroying the island completely.

So yeah, that’s one version of what happened. What actually happened: a sea-floor earthquake caused Teonimanu to sink. The island was teetering on the edge of a steep undersea slope, so once the tremors shook the foundations, a large landslide carried Teonimanu underwater. Feels like a let-down after hearing the myth right? You can learn more about geomythology here.

The Things We Do For Love

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How do you feel about wrestling a dangerous animal to impress a potential life partner? That’s what you have to do if you’re a man seeking a wife in Madagascar. These men wrestle wild bulls to impress future wives so that babies can be made. God forbid if your family name is eliminated because you suck at bull wrestling.

The rules are simple. The wrestling goes on until the bull gets tired or until the man dies or gets injured. Ideally you want to tire out the bull, that really gets the ladies soaking wet. I’d definitely get killed trying to win over a future wife in this manner. I can’t even last 15 seconds on a mechanical bull.

Thankfully this isn’t the norm for men all over Madagascar. If it were, I’m sure the country’s population would be in steep decline, because I’m betting most men cannot merely tire out a bull. This tradition mainly takes place in some villages, where bull wrestling is the only form of entertainment that brings together large groups of people. When there are no bars or clubs to meet single people, the only sensible option is to risk your life in order to shed the ‘forever alone’ label.

Take a look at the video that inspired this blog post. At the end of the video, one guy feels good about doing pretty well in his bull wrestling match. But when he tries talking to a girl, she pushes him away and tells him to leave her alone. Damn, that’s rough.

How well do you know your grandparents?

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I’ve always had trouble getting to know my grandparents because they don’t speak English. And now I only have one left. But I’m going to make a better effort to get to know my grandmother, because everyone has a story that deserves to be heard. I’ll try to learn more of the language she speaks but I’m honestly afraid that’ll take so much time that she won’t even be alive by the time I learn the basics. I think it’s probably a better idea to get my mom or one of my friends to translate.

I was watching Master of None on Netflix and Season 1 Episode 8 was about old people. The grandparents of two characters had very interesting stories. Let’s start with the grandfather. He fought in the Korean War. Now he and some other soldiers were parachuting into the war zone but it was so windy that the soldiers didn’t land where they intended to, they got blown all over the place. Now the grandfather got stuck in a tree. There were so many branches that he couldn’t really move. He wanted to cut himself free but he dropped his knife. And then he sees a group of four enemy soldiers coming towards him.

Now the grandfather’s trying not to make a sound, even though the enemy is right below him. And then one of the enemy soldiers bends down and picks up the grandfather’s knife. He realizes he only has mere seconds before the enemy looks up and sees him there. So he pulled out his gun and fired at them. Then he shot some of the branches that he was stuck in and managed to climb down the tree. When he got to the ground he saw that one of the enemy soldiers was still alive. But the grandfather didn’t have any bullets left… so he killed the last soldier by smashing the butt of his gun on the soldier’s head.

Such a happy ending! Let’s move on to the second story, the grandmother. Here’s how she got married: some boy in her neighborhood walked up to her and said, “You’re beautiful. I’m going to marry you.” That’s it. So simple. Then she had children with him and when those children grew up they put her in a retirement home because they were worried she couldn’t take care of herself when she slipped and fell that one time. She hates it at the retirement home. They don’t let her go out unless a family member takes her out, and her family doesn’t visit her as often as she would like.

Now in the early days of her marriage, before she had kids, she stole a car. She was walking on the street and saw a man rush into some furniture store. This man left his car running, and she just felt like getting in and driving… so she did. The car was a convertible and decades later she still remembered the wind on her face. For the first time she felt like she could go anywhere and do anything.

But then the car started making weird noises and the hood started smoking. She thought about calling her brother who was a mechanic but he’d just be mad at her for being a thief. So she just stopped the car in some random neighborhood and got out and took the bus home. When she got home she resumed her normal life: she cleaned the house and cooked dinner. Her husband never even knew what she’d done.

As you can see, old people have some fascinating stories. Probably not as dramatic as these two examples, but worthwhile nonetheless. Hell, even if the stories are boring, just listen anyway because old people tend to be lonely and like I said at the beginning of this post, everyone deserves to be heard.

Private Island

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Imagine you’re part of a tribe that’s isolated from the rest of the world. You’re oblivious to what’s happening outside your island. You’ll have no idea if the US and North Korea blow each other up, if a new celebrity sex tape comes out, or if the Toronto Maple Leafs ever end their Stanley Cup drought. You won’t know if any of these things happen because you’re doing your own thing on your little island. Now what if I told you that such a tribe exists? Don’t get too excited though, they aren’t looking for new members.

The indigenous Sentinelese tribe, located on North Sentinel Island in the Indian Ocean, are extremely hostile to any and all visitors. They’ve lived there in complete isolation for 60,000 years and one reason they’ve never been colonized is that they’re protected by rough seas and jagged reefs. They don’t know how to read and write but they have their own spoken language that nobody else understands.

Whenever outsiders try to get close to the island via boat or helicopter, the Sentinelese greet them with violence – either firing arrows or throwing stones at them. In 2006, two fishermen unintentionally drifted towards North Sentinel Island and the locals proceeded to kill them. When a helicopter was dispatched to recover the bodies, the locals chased the helicopter away with arrows. (What happened was that the fishermen got drunk and passed out and didn’t realize their boat had drifted into a highly dangerous territory).

In the 1970s, anthropologists tried to gift some coconuts to the tribe but they were almost killed. Many tribe members also waggled their genitals at the fleeing anthropologists. While the Sentinelese excel at genital-waggling, they’ve yet to discover the secret to making fire. Currently they wait for lightning to strike and keep the resulting embers burning for as long as possible. They are a simple hunter-gatherer society.

The Indian Government’s official policy is to leave them alone. But after the deadly earthquake and tsunami in the Indian Ocean in 2004, India was concerned about the welfare of the Sentinelese so the government sent a helicopter to make sure everything was okay. But the islanders attacked the helicopter the moment they spotted it.

In a way it’s good that the people of North Sentinel Island are left alone. First of all they don’t have to deal with all the chaos of the modern world and if we tried to introduce them to it, they would likely fall sick because they haven’t built up the immunity to certain diseases, since they’ve been isolated for their entire existence.

That awkward moment when a spider bites your penis again

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Some Australian tradesman was bitten by a venomous spider on the penis TWICE in a span of six months in 2016. Not sure if it was the same spider, but he was bitten on the exact same spot on his penis both times. Both bites occurred in portable toilets. The second time he carefully inspected the entire toilet, including under the rim, but this sneaky little spider was determined to wreak penile havoc. The first time it happened everyone was sympathetic. But the second time? Even the doctors were laughing. This story really reminds me of the phrase ‘Once bitten, twice shy’. Luckily he is still alive and well (for now).

It’s hard to think of someone unluckier than him, but I think I managed to do so. Adolphe Sax, the inventor of the saxophone, suffered a series of bizarre accidents in his childhood. He fell from a height of three floors and hit his head on a stone. He accidentally swallowed a pin. He burnt himself in a gunpowder explosion. Somehow he fell into a frying pan and burnt himself again. He fell in a river and almost drowned. When he was an adult, he had lip cancer for five years but recovered. Even his mother once said, “He’s a child condemned to misfortune. He won’t live.” Despite all this he still managed to invent the Saxophone. But sadly no one took his invention seriously until after his death.